anger anger anger happy

[mellybrelly]

If I wasn't 34 weeks, I probably would start looking for other care for this birth. What a frustrating afternoon.



So, I've had some frustrations as you probably know. Failing my gestational diabetes test by 2 points, being told that you have to fail two parts to actually fail, then being told I can just do random draws of blood to make sure my blood sugars were fine, and then being told that no, I'm high risk (because I'm overweight) so I have to do the test again.. then finding out that I did things that likely made me fail the test, like not eating properly before the test and exercising during the test. I had such different information from each person I talked to, I asked if I could just speak to a midwife about it, and when I had my appointment, the midwife said they would talk about it all together and let me know.

My stance was that I didn't mind redoing the test, but that I wanted to know if it was necessary. That midwife said she wasn't sure it was, since I hadn't been given proper instructions and I just barely failed one section.

It's been about 5 weeks or so and I never heard from them. My last midwife appointment I reminded the next (different) midwife and she was surprised they hadn't spoken about it and said she'd make sure it was talked about at their next meeting and that I'd get a call. Still no call.

Then last appointment I am told I need two additional ultraounds. I asked why and was told it was because I was high risk because I have hypertension. That was news to me, since my blood pressure hadn't been bad since the first two visits and once they stopped using the automatic cuff on me, my blood pressure was usually around 120/80. They asked me to also buy a monitor for home ($100), which I did, and I took my blood pressure every morning for a couple months and submitted it. My blood pressure at home was 115/70 approximately, every day. The midwife said she was surprised I was considered hypertension and that she'd talk to the other midwives about whether or not I needed the two extra ultrasounds, and that they'd phone me.

That phone call happened the same time as my GD phone call, namely, NEVER.

So today I go in, they were half an hour late getting me in, and I could tell right away that something bad was going on. The midwife sat down and told me that it looked like I would be asked to leave the practice because I "refused to do any testing".

First, I was angry and said "You are actually telling me AGAIN that I will have to leave, at 34 weeks?" and then I made a comment about being sick of being threatened to be kicked out of the practice, and she got all defensive and said no one was saying "kicked out" they were saying "asked to leave". I said she could say it as sweetly as she liked, it meant the same thing.

She told me that they had a meeting three weeks ago and that it was decided that I had to redo the GD test. Then last week they discussed the fact that I was questioning the ultrasounds and that they wanted me to do those as well.

Then we discussed the fact, or rather I told her, that 1) I never said I wouldn't do the procedures, I said that I wanted to know if they were actually necessary first, since I was getting so much conflicting information, and 2) that I was told they hadn't had the meeting yet, and that 3) NO ONE CALLED TO TELL ME I HAD TO DO THEM.

I would have done them already if someone had actually spoken to me about it, but no, I'm getting kicked out for refusing to do something that I didn't actually refuse to do.

So then it all changed and she said I didn't need to be kicked out, that she didn't actually think my blood pressure was bad at all, but that the OB said that with me being overweight, not being certain about my GD status and no ultrasounds, she was concerned. Then the midwife said they were concerned since no one knew if my baby was head down or not, and that "The midwives check every appointment". Uh, no they don't. I told her no one had checked, and she said "Yes they did, they check with their hands every time". I told her that no, "Wendy said she wouldn't bother". Three appointments ago, the one midwife I really like DID check and said the baby's head was down. Then the next appointment the next midwife said it was still early, so she wouldn't bother. Then last time the other midwife didn't check, just checked heartbeat. She looked all shocked and got me on the table and checked and said she wasn't certain if baby's head was down or not, so that was another reason for the ultrasound. GREAT. TELL ME I NEED IT AND I'LL OBVIOUSLY DO IT. Fuck.

Oh, and then she argued with me about exercising during the test, and about carboloading and basically accused me of trying to trick the test. (FFS) I told her to do some research because I was not trying to trick the test, I was trying to get the most accurate results, and carboloading beforehand for three days does that. She finally said she'd call the diabetes specialists at the hospital, because she just couldn't understand what I was saying, and even though the glucose bottle says not to move or make noise, she didn't understand why it would be bad to go exercise during the test.. even though the OTHER TWO MIDWIVES UNDERSTOOD AND KNEW.

The whole appointment was a stupid clusterfuck where she went on about how I could sue, and that's why they couldn't trust that my blood pressure readings were true... She threw in some fear mongering about how my placenta could just rip off of me and the baby could die, etc.

anyway, huge mess that ended with me agreeing to doing all the testing, so I have an ultrasound on Monday, 3 hour GD test on Tuesday, and an additional midwife appointment on Thursday.

She ended up telling me (and this is where it gets all frustrating in my head) that she actually thinks my blood pressure is fine, and that I'm not really high risk, but it's their OB who says I am, and they have to do what the OB says, so if I do all the tests, the OB will likely back off.

She did apologize for how they had failed me by not communication with me properly, or each other, and she gave me a big hug. (Sadly the midwife at the last appointment also apologized for that, but nothing came of it) I cried the entire appointment, and the entire drive home. I still start crying when I think of it.

I swear to god I'll rip a face off if I do all that and then they still say I need to find other care.

I think what hurts is that I picked midwives because I was looking for a certain kind of care, the kind of bonding and care that my friends back home had with their midwives. I've had all kinds of stress with mine, and feel like I just keep hitting a wall with them. I think that for my next birth, I will research a little more, think a little more about what I want. I think that I want one on one care with a midwife, not see 7 midwives and feel like I'm getting different info from everyone, and that no one is communicating properly. I think they are good midwives, I just think that I don't fit their "normal" and that they don't really know what to do with me, since I don't just say yes to everything.

Tim said that he thinks I'll still end up with the kind of birth I want, it's just unfortunate that things have gone the way they have. He says that if this comes up with them again, I need to just be straight forward and tell them that I do not have a problem with the testing or procedures, I have a problem with the different opinions I've been getting and the lack of communication.

So big freaking mess of stupidity.

Then my best friend in Canada called and said she had bad news for me.. I wanted to cry again, I thought she was going to say she couldn't come visit, but she said that she couldn't get the flight she wanted into Dulles airport, but she got one into Baltimore!!!! She's coming for a week at the end of August. I want to cry I'm so happy. That news made my day all better again.

So, what a high and low and high again day!!! I'm still pretty fed up with the midwives, and all that crap, but hopefully it will get worked out.

Comments

[vitainpalus.livejournal.com]

I just read this post with a giant O_O on my face.

What.. the.. fuck.

Why is it you won't do a homebirth again? :(

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

Ugh, it is something I would consider for next time. Tim was actually really surprised to hear how much less your homebirth will be compared to the prices I got.

It was really a sad frustrating afternoon, and so ridiculous, since I'm the one who keeps asking if they had made a decision on my GD test, and then I'm being accused of refusing testing???

[thatxsunrise.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with such giant frustrations with the midwives. I hope tat Tim is right and that you'll still end up with the birth style that you want when all is said and done.

Yay for your friend coming to visit! That's fantastic!

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

I'm so excited for Brandi to be here. I feel overwhelmed with this birth stuff, but now I just can't wait for baby and to be sharing baby with Brandi!!

[nietzschekeen.livejournal.com]

Ugh that's so frustrating! Are you going to have a doula at the birth? Sorry if I'm behind on reading stuff, but I'd highly recommend, if the midwives allow it, having an independent doula who you talk to in depth before hand about the issues you've been having, just to make sure you have one non-medical person there who wants you to get the birth you want.

Hopefully the midwives realize that the communication was terrible and get snappy on making it better. <3 good luke

[mysterygal11.livejournal.com]

I agree, Mel... A doula could be so helpful. It really sounds like you can't count on these midwives to stand up for you and support you (and your birth plan) 100%. A doula will do that, and will have the training/expertise to stand up and fight for what you want even if the doctors and midwives start to cave. My labor lasted two days. By the time they started doing interventions, I was too tired to argue, and so was Trent (because he was so emotionally invested in how I was feeling - he just wanted the pain to go away for me). But looking back, I wish I'd had someone there to be like, "WAIT a minute... She does not need this. Let's wait another two or three hours." I mean, I was 8 cm and they did a c-section! And I was just too spent to disagree.

Of course, my experience isn't/won't be your experience.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

I haven't wanted a doula, I just wanted it to be Tim and I. I'm so torn now, part of me knows the benefit of having an advocate, but I also hate to miss out on the intimacy of it being Tim and I.

SO HARD :(

[mamiesgoo.livejournal.com]

34 weeks is NOT too late Mel. Its NOT. Find new care NOW, you are not comfortable and this is BS, I swtiched at 32w and didn't see my new MW until 34w.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

I might think about it, I just feel way too overwhelmed tonight. I'll do the testing next week and see how they treat me, and if it isn't good, I'll start looking around.

The problem is that I put myself on the wait list of another midwife when I first got pregnant, and I never actually got off the wait list. There just don't seem to be many choices around here, not ones that are within an hour drive. :(

[mysterygal11.livejournal.com]

"I think what hurts is that I picked midwives because I was looking for a certain kind of care, the kind of bonding and care that my friends back home had with their midwives. I've had all kinds of stress with mine, and feel like I just keep hitting a wall with them. I think that for my next birth, I will research a little more, think a little more about what I want."

YES. This perfectly describes how I felt about my midwife experience. I feel like what they advertised was NOT what I got. It made me feel like midwifery in the U.S. (or at least certain states in the U.S.) is a big fat sham - that the midwives are basically the O.B.'s bitches (I know that is not always the case - in some states, midwives have a lot more leeway, I think). Had I KNOWN how I would be treated, I would have gone with an O.B. from the get-go, straight up. At least then I would have been PREPARED to fight instead of assuming that my care providers were on my side and wanted the best for me.

Anyway. All that to say, I understand at least some of how you are feeling right now. It is frustrating.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

That's exactly how I feel, like they are 100% under the thumb of the OB's thumb. She said to me "The hospital would never allow me in again if I let you go there, overweight, without a proper GD test done and with hypertension". ... Fine, then fucking test me, and do your job and call me, but don't blame it on me that you guys dropped the ball and never told me I needed to redo the tests for sure.

I feel like they have to "follow the rules" even worse than an OB would. I really did think they'd be on my side and flexible and advocating for me. Instead my blood pressure goes up every time I walk into the office because I'm so stressed out and that's just not the way it should be. I wanted them to love on me!

[merlyn4401.livejournal.com]

That's actually really similar to the midwife care I received when I was pregnant with Mckenzie. Yes, I was seeing a three-person midwife team with her. It was a mess, and I didn't find out how big of a mess until later. They didn't communicate with each other, either. They never dipped my urine for glucose, or they dismissed all the sugar I was spilling one or the other. When I called the night I had the abruption and talked to the midwife on duty, she heaved a sigh at me and told me all my symptoms were normal, but if it would make me feel better, she guessed I could go to L&D and listen to the baby's heartbeat. After crying my eyes out about that condescending nonsense, I went in. Thank God I did.

I received much better, more compassionate, and more supportive care from my OBs in future pregnancies than I ever did from midwives.

I think midwives are like doctors in that JUST because they are midwives doesn't mean they are automatically good, just like docs aren't automatically bad. I know there are good midwives out there, just like I know there are bad doctors, but that hasn't been my experience.

Wow, novel. Sorry. :(

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

It's so sad, back home you really do get excellent care with midwives, and it is different than doctor care. Everyone know had really great births, the midwives would come to their homes, labour with them, take them to the hospital, take extra time, bond etc..

Down here it seems like just as many people have bad midwife stories as they do OB stories! Even someone I know who went unassisted said she liked her OB better than her midwife.

The communication is a mess, I think that whatever I do next time, it won't be group care, it will be ONE OB or midwife, with an emergency backup.

[msmcfeeley.livejournal.com]

Ugh, this sucks badly. I know right now you're pretty raw from it but I would probably spend next week talking to some other places. Seriously. There has been nothing but trouble/bad (or no!) communication/mis-information/tears for you during nearly every one of your appointments, it seems. This is NOT what it's supposed to be like. You're in control. Don't forget that.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

You are right, it's been off from the very beginning, there hasn't been a single really good appointment. In hindsight, I wish I had left when I was first threatened with being ejected from the practice.

[tlatzomia.livejournal.com]

O_o

[tlatzomia.livejournal.com]

Who the fuck did you have?!

[sparklesnort.livejournal.com]

You can do this. Don't let other people dictate how you feel about your body or your baby. You're educated, confident, and above all....right. Don't let other people make you doubt your choices or feel ridiculous for questioning their reasoning (and lack thereof).

If you ever need moral support or just a shoulder/ear, you know I'm right here for you. I have been exactly where you are twice, and am still healing from what happened after D's voice. Never be afraid to be your own advocate. Have you considered hiring a doula for your birth?

[sparklesnort.livejournal.com]

*birth, not voice

[said-by-me.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry Mel... I want to go in there and vag punch them for being so apathetic about helping you have the care and birth you want

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

me too actually

[x-ondeafears-x.livejournal.com]

I'm with everyone else. Definitely find another care provider. First, you are paying for their services, so you can dictate how you want it to go. Second, the whole point of the midwife is to provide support and care in a less medical environment. Great big fail there it seems. I don't know when birth and pregnancy began being treated as a disease rather than a natural part of a womans life cycle.
Good luck with everything. <3

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

That's the screwy thing down here, I wanted a less medical environment, I'm surprised I've never had a suggestion of anything more natural. I figured a midwife would go with my ideals of using natural remedies, but so far it's all MEDICATION MEDICATION MEDICATION.

No one has talked to me about using evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, about ways to prepare my body naturally for labour, nothing.

[popchex.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I hope next week goes well, and smooth and they all suck it up and get their shit together.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

Me too. I'm scared to change to someone else, but I'm also afraid I'll regret changing, or regret not changing. This is where my indecisiveness chokes me.

I'm going to see how next week goes..

It's sad because I've gone, in just a day, from thinking about all the things I want in labour to thinking "WTF just get this baby out of me, I don't care how".

[surrey-sucks.livejournal.com]

How frustrating! WTH?!

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

It's been such a mess. Not what I wanted at all.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately no, because they rotate for the births, so I need to know them all for the labour. :(

[yellowdusk.livejournal.com]

First of all, when I was pregnant with Benjamin, I switched care providers at 37 weeks. It's never too late. You need to feel assured that the people working for you have you and your baby's best interests in mind, and right now you don't. It doesn't matter how good they are for other people. You are stressed. You are scared. Even with all the changes my opinion on birth has undergone this past year, I know that much - going into labor afraid is not a good thing.

But of course, it's a matter of getting in somewhere else at this late date. Physicians & Midwives is the only practice around here that you would probably genuinely like, but as you've seen you need to get on their waiting list when you're about 10 years old. (Hmm, I wonder why they're in such demand, right? Maybe because women respond well to that kind of care?)

The truth is, if at all possible, a homebirth midwife probably would take you on now. And it is perfectly legal here. If Tim is on board, it might be worth a shot.

Yes, my own biases are such that I am not a fan of homebirth. But, this is your birth, not mine, and you are a grownup :) The point is, from what I know of homebirth midwives, it's not too late. Just try and stay clear of Marilee Pinkleton, if you can.

Barring all that, even an OB is a better option than midwives who are combative with you. In fact, when I look back at it I think I might have avoided my c-section if I'd stuck with my Nebraska OB rather than making that transfer to a hospital midwife at 37 weeks. The hospital midwife was so scared of upsetting her OB, while the OB didn't have anyone else to answer to.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

I do appreciate your thoughts on it, because of what you've gone through, and because you are from around here.

Is that the midwive practice in Alexandria? You recommended one to me and I can't remember who it was, but I phoned to get on their list and I'm still on it.. long wait list.

I'm going to continue, for the next week, with these midwives and see how it works out. I may be forced to look elsewhere. It's bad because I keep having these feelings of "Maybe I should just stay home as long as possible and see what happens...". I should be excited to be going into this with midwives I like and trust.

I totally get now what people have said about OBs.. that they don't have to answer to anyone, they don't run scared.

[marci-ny.livejournal.com]

Mel, first off (((HUGS))). I am so so sorry you are going through this!! You keep sticking up for yourself! You don't deserve this treatment and they really need to get their #(%*#)@! act together!!

I'm praying everything will settle down and you'll get the love and support you deserve!! <3 <3

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

They do need to get their shit together, it's continuing today for FRACKSAKES. :P

Thank you. I need to start praying too.

[alena-griffiths.livejournal.com]

That's it.. get on a plane and come have your baby here!

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I wish.

[f-l-i-r-t.livejournal.com]

Ugh! you don't need that kind of stress, I really wish they would be more professional and actually communicate and listen to you. *hugs*

[geordielass.livejournal.com]

Holy gaads, what a freaking mess!

Hopefully it gets all sorted out soon for you honey. I've never heard of such ridiculousness!

[fitfool.livejournal.com]

Just read through these entries. How infuriating! I had thought the whole point of going with a midwife/doula was to get a more personal connection. (also, until now, I hadn't realized what the difference was between a midwife and doula) I do hope they get their act together.