(no subject)

why the hell am I wide awake at 3:46 am??

(no subject)

sometimes these moments of despair hit me.

There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.

I felt tonight, for a moment, that I was stripping myself of all security and that I was failing desperately.

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

And I saw that all labour and all achievement spring from man's envy of his neighbour. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

so I sat, feeling the wind protest the presence of my car, wiping the tears before they could even touch my skin. The ocean waves violently pushed their way to shore.

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

But the moments pass.. the emotions fade..

And what are you that, wanting you,
I should be kept awake
As many nights as there are days
With weeping for your sake?

And what are you that, missing you,
As many days as crawl
I should be listening to the wind
And looking at the wall?

I realize it's only a temporary feeling of loss, a momentary feeling of suffocating, a flighting feeling of despair.

Then I drive home, thinking about the changes I'll make, the things I'm doing, that this is only a temporary setback, that the pain is only now and I hope I can finish what I've started. I'm just afraid it's all been a waste.


quotes by Anais Nin, E.E. Cummings, and Ecclesiastes 4 and A Few Figs from Thistles.

(no subject)

and.. happy birthday alyssanne, who from day one surprised me by writing my thoughts in her journal.

You are incredible.